Tense and Anxious

I haven't written a single word in weeks. Except for some porn. And it was only two porn stories.

I feel tense and anxious and unable to relax. I often feel that way when it's time to write or when I have a deadline hanging over my head like I do now, but the new wrinkle is that I feel tense and anxious even when I'm doing my escapist activities.

I am a serious procrastinator and as such have developed a number of activities that I lose myself in when I don't want to deal. For the last three days those activities have given me no relief and I feel like I'm going to implode.

I don't want to go through the details but basically I tried to connect with some other people involved in my escapist activities because I'm lonely (an ongoing issue) and thought it would be good for me to be friendly.

Of course, once you're interacting with people you know there is pressure to behave a certain way and basically what I've done is taint my escapist activities with expectations and pressure. It's internally imposed, I know, but it doesn't make it any less real.

So now my escapist activities are just one more area of pressure and stress in my life. Just another area where I will disappoint people. Yay.

So I'm Writing... Porn

In the last two weeks I've completed exactly two short stories. Both porn. I've got deadlines coming up for real projects that I'm at various stages with but instead of working on any of them I'm writing porn. What the hell is that?

I posted them on this website I belong to where readers can leave feedback and since I've posted I watch, obsessively, for the comments. I am desperate for compliments apparently.

Now today I called in sick to work and I'd like to get some "real" writing done but I hear the porn calling me. Is some kind of writing better than no writing? Or is this just another example of what a procrastinating, failure I am.