Tense and Anxious

I haven't written a single word in weeks. Except for some porn. And it was only two porn stories.

I feel tense and anxious and unable to relax. I often feel that way when it's time to write or when I have a deadline hanging over my head like I do now, but the new wrinkle is that I feel tense and anxious even when I'm doing my escapist activities.

I am a serious procrastinator and as such have developed a number of activities that I lose myself in when I don't want to deal. For the last three days those activities have given me no relief and I feel like I'm going to implode.

I don't want to go through the details but basically I tried to connect with some other people involved in my escapist activities because I'm lonely (an ongoing issue) and thought it would be good for me to be friendly.

Of course, once you're interacting with people you know there is pressure to behave a certain way and basically what I've done is taint my escapist activities with expectations and pressure. It's internally imposed, I know, but it doesn't make it any less real.

So now my escapist activities are just one more area of pressure and stress in my life. Just another area where I will disappoint people. Yay.

A New Day Job

For the last 18 months I've been lucky enough to work part-time in the ____ field that is my day job. Money has been tight but we've had enough to get by and I've had time to write, take film classes, go to the gym and deal with some times when my son needed extra attention.

Today, however, I was offered a new better job in my field. I didn't apply for it, it just kind of fell into my lap. It's good money - more than twice what I'm making now - with good benefits, in a convenient location, with reasonable hours. There is really no way that I could turn it down. So I didn't.

Here's the weird thing. As many things as there are for me to be happy about (more money! benefits!) or worried about (less time to write, less time to get to the gym) the only thing I've really felt is some kind of weird excitement about being in an office building where I could meet a man.

What the fuck is that?

My professional future, my writing future, my finances, my health, are all about to be affected and I'm thinking about dating? Clearly I am very, very lonely.

Part of me wants to believe that this is some kind of sign that I'm going to finally meet someone but part of me thinks that a new company isn't the answer. Because I'm just the same fucked up person in a new place.

So I'm Writing... Porn

In the last two weeks I've completed exactly two short stories. Both porn. I've got deadlines coming up for real projects that I'm at various stages with but instead of working on any of them I'm writing porn. What the hell is that?

I posted them on this website I belong to where readers can leave feedback and since I've posted I watch, obsessively, for the comments. I am desperate for compliments apparently.

Now today I called in sick to work and I'd like to get some "real" writing done but I hear the porn calling me. Is some kind of writing better than no writing? Or is this just another example of what a procrastinating, failure I am.

I'm Back... Hopefully

It's been eighteen months since I've posted to this blog and almost as long since I've even thought about it. I've made some progress in that time with my writing, with my life, but I've also struggled with some huge family problems and my depression.

I was brought back today though by something very specific and very simple: A bad day. Not bad because of anything that happened but more because of what didn't, more because of what it means is still wrong with me.

I had a very small agenda today: finish a short story, go to the gym and go to a Writer's Workshop. I did NONE of those things. Instead of writing when I woke up this morning, as scheduled, I read fanfiction online. When it was time to go to the gym I read porn. And then, shortly before I was supposed to get ready for the Writer's Workshop, I started cooking and other bullshit.

Now I am here in my house, isolated and lonely, still feeling trapped by depression, procrastination and agoraphobia. I am desperate to meet new people, other writers, but even that desperation was not enough motivation for me today.

I suppose I'm here, posting to my long abandoned blog, because I feel the need to tell someone that I'm disappointed in myself. I am still not who I want to be. And now I'm a year and a half older.

I'm a disaster

My short story deadline was technically November 30th but the publisher holding the contest has a one-week grace period so I, of course, procrastinated. 

I stayed up very late on Sunday night and edited until I couldn't see anymore but neither story was ready so, at 3AM, I gave up and finally went to sleep. I slept right through my alarm the next morning and didn't open my eyes until 10:30! I ended up not going to work, which is especially bad because I only started at this place a couple months ago and I can't afford to burn bridges there.

I worked on my pieces during the day and evening on Monday but could not get them polished enough to submit. I stayed up late again but I dragged my ass to work on Tuesday because I had fucked up on Monday.

Left work early on Tuesday and went home to work. I stayed up till 3:30AM but I did get the damn stories in. Finally! Then I collapsed and tried to get three hours of sleep before I had to get up for work.

I didn't sleep through my alarm Wednesday morning but I did decide to blow off work - without telling anyone - which is particularly bad. Later in the day I e-mailed my boss that my son had a biking accident and I was in the ER with him.

I spent most of the day in bed asleep. I watched a little TV and basically felt drained and listless. I wanted to write - get moving on one of my other half started projects - but I was completely worthless.

I'm glad I got the stories in but I feel like everything else around me became such a disaster I'm wondering if it was worth it. I want to be a writer but I have to do that while staying on top of everything else.

Tomorrow I should go to work but I've already taken the day off to visit a friend. 

This may seem out of place but I feel very alone this week. Unsupported. I wish I had someone to lean on while I tried to make this transition.

- As I re-read the above I see how scattered I sound. It's exactly how I feel.

out of sight - out of mind

I am not happy that I have started to abandon this blog. That's what I always do and this was supposed to be the vehicle to help me change my patterns.

I've only even remembered the blog a couple of times. I haven't had it up in it's own window and so I totally forgot about it. I forget about everything that I can't see.

I have been writing. A lot. But this week started to be bad. For the last week I've had absolutely no interest in the novel I'm supposed to be focusing on. I think it sucks. I hate it and I want to work on something else. I always abandon projects like this and apparently a lot of writers struggle with this - so I am really, really trying to force myself to follow my outline and finish the first draft.

But last night I had an idea for another story so I spent a few hours outlining it instead of working on the novel. So now I have 4 novels, 3 screenplays and 1 TV drama that are waiting for my attention. And I have the hardest time keeping my mind from fleeting back and forth between them.

I wish I could go somewhere to write but even after my son leaves for the summer my stupid cats can't be left alone for more than 1 night.

Even though I'm disgusted with my writing this week I still feel incredibly motivated because I really think this is my chance to switch careers. If I don't do it now I will get trapped again.

Is the blog going to be something else I quit...?

I haven't posted or even thought about, this blog for weeks. Partly I think it's because I'm writing so much everyday on my novel and tracking other story ideas that the thought of having to write anything else is overwhelming.

But part of it is, of course, that I always do this; start something with enthusiasm and lose commitment within a short period of time until I abandon it completely.

I am trying very hard to avoid that pattern with my daily writing. It's not easy - and I'm not meeting my goal of 3,000 words per day - but so far I haven't given up on it.

My biggest problem lately has been fighting the feeling that my writing is shit. I have a huge problem moving my ideas from my head to the paper without sounding moronic. I am trying to tell myself to just get through the first draft and then I can go back and address the areas I'm concerned about.

I am trying not to feel like a delusional hack pursuing an unrealistic and unattainable goal. I'm not exactly succeeding but I am still writing.

Writing is hard. I am so frustrated!!

I am completely stuck with my writing. At first I was free writing random pieces of things - whatever popped into my head. A chapter here, an outline there, some interesting dialogue... all disconnected items that I figured I would find a way to connect later.

But then I decided that I should start entering writing contests. You know, make this real, "respectable." Not just me writing for fun while I'm unemployed but actually making a career out of it. I selected two short story contests. One 2,000 words and the other 12,000 words. Both due at the end of May.

So that imposed restraints in terms of structure and time frame and all of a sudden I feel frozen. I've been forcing myself to write since Friday and I have generated some stuff and some new ideas but I don't really like what I've done.

I feel pressure now and I the tension in my chest is starting to get stronger. What happened to the great time I was having??

I'm afraid to show my drafts to anyone because I know they suck. What if I can't do this? What if the only reason I've been considered a "good writer" to date is because people have only seen bits and pieces that were OK causing them to assume that if I could write those kinds of things well then I must be a good writer?!

That would be the same thing that has happened in other facets of my life. People think I'm smart when they deal with me in small doses because I come off well but once they have to work with me substantively they see that I'm really not.

I feel like throwing my laptop against the wall and crying.

Before I completely lose it I am going to try to bring myself back by going through the notebooks I have used for observations, story ideas, feelings. I'm hoping they will help me feel motivated and interested again.

I don't want to fail at this.

Daydreams

I spend much of my life in my head. I know it's obvious that daydreaming is an escape mechanism but I am troubled by the amount of time I spend there. I daydream the body I want, the love I want, success at work, confidence in the world.

I've told myself that all the daydreaming isn't a waste of time because it allows me to visualize my future and would help me to become the person I wanted. While, on occasion, it may have helped me to think through the different options and prepare myself, for the most part it was simply an escape.

I'm sorry to say that after over a decade of daydreaming I still don't look the way I want to look, don't act the way I want to act, don't have the love I want. I am not the person I want to be and I am not living the life I want to live. And now I've wasted more than a decade.