Why Can't I Focus?

I have long struggled with my inability to focus. It's really bad in areas I actively dislike (i.e., the subject matter of my day job) but it's also a problem with things I love, like my writing.

I almost never finish projects (I've got literally 18 started right now), which is why it was such a big deal for me to finish my first novel. It was awful but finished! I almost never make deadlines - I've been working on a pilot for over two years. It's a great idea but I just can't seem to execute the concept.

So it is especially stupid that - during a week where I set a specific writing goal for myself - I also offered to edit someone else's essay. Now I've got that pressure hanging over my head. I hate editing my own work, let alone someone else's.

I was so excited to be feeling part of this online writing community that I acted impulsively. So now it is 1 AM and I am going to try to stay up and finish her essay tonight so that tomorrow it can be all about me.

Of course, I'm sure I'll find something else to distract me tomorrow.

I'm a disaster

My short story deadline was technically November 30th but the publisher holding the contest has a one-week grace period so I, of course, procrastinated. 

I stayed up very late on Sunday night and edited until I couldn't see anymore but neither story was ready so, at 3AM, I gave up and finally went to sleep. I slept right through my alarm the next morning and didn't open my eyes until 10:30! I ended up not going to work, which is especially bad because I only started at this place a couple months ago and I can't afford to burn bridges there.

I worked on my pieces during the day and evening on Monday but could not get them polished enough to submit. I stayed up late again but I dragged my ass to work on Tuesday because I had fucked up on Monday.

Left work early on Tuesday and went home to work. I stayed up till 3:30AM but I did get the damn stories in. Finally! Then I collapsed and tried to get three hours of sleep before I had to get up for work.

I didn't sleep through my alarm Wednesday morning but I did decide to blow off work - without telling anyone - which is particularly bad. Later in the day I e-mailed my boss that my son had a biking accident and I was in the ER with him.

I spent most of the day in bed asleep. I watched a little TV and basically felt drained and listless. I wanted to write - get moving on one of my other half started projects - but I was completely worthless.

I'm glad I got the stories in but I feel like everything else around me became such a disaster I'm wondering if it was worth it. I want to be a writer but I have to do that while staying on top of everything else.

Tomorrow I should go to work but I've already taken the day off to visit a friend. 

This may seem out of place but I feel very alone this week. Unsupported. I wish I had someone to lean on while I tried to make this transition.

- As I re-read the above I see how scattered I sound. It's exactly how I feel.

Where did I go... for FIVE months?!?!

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. This is what I was afraid of. My flakiness.

To be fair to myself I have been working hard on my writing - very hard actually - and finished...
................................... the first draft of my novel,
................................................... a short story,
.................................................................half a screenplay,
..............................................................................a TV series treatment and
..................................................................................................a detailed outline of another novel...

I'm very proud of myself!

I'm back at work part-time and the transition out of the house was a little difficult but I've managed to keep writing a considerable amount of time each week. Whenever I think about my projects I can feel the excitement build in my chest. I feel extremely confident that I will actually be able to become a "real" writer and quit my day job.

That being said I am still also plagued with fear. I am about to enter my short story into a contest for new writers and I gave it to a couple of my friends to edit. One of them read it and liked it (I think) but she didn't read it with an eye towards revisions.

The other friend read the first two pages and hasn't been able to finish it. She's had it for two weeks. Now she does have a three month old baby at home with her so I realize that she is busy but the story's only 15 pages long I can't believe she can't find the time to read that. Plus she hasn't said anything positive about the first two pages. And I also can't help but think that maybe the reason she couldn't force herself to finish is that she found the first two pages awful.

I re-read my old posts and am a little disheartened that after all these months I am just as insecure about my talent and/or ability as before.

But at least I didn't stop writing...