Tense and Anxious

I haven't written a single word in weeks. Except for some porn. And it was only two porn stories.

I feel tense and anxious and unable to relax. I often feel that way when it's time to write or when I have a deadline hanging over my head like I do now, but the new wrinkle is that I feel tense and anxious even when I'm doing my escapist activities.

I am a serious procrastinator and as such have developed a number of activities that I lose myself in when I don't want to deal. For the last three days those activities have given me no relief and I feel like I'm going to implode.

I don't want to go through the details but basically I tried to connect with some other people involved in my escapist activities because I'm lonely (an ongoing issue) and thought it would be good for me to be friendly.

Of course, once you're interacting with people you know there is pressure to behave a certain way and basically what I've done is taint my escapist activities with expectations and pressure. It's internally imposed, I know, but it doesn't make it any less real.

So now my escapist activities are just one more area of pressure and stress in my life. Just another area where I will disappoint people. Yay.

Why Can't I Focus?

I have long struggled with my inability to focus. It's really bad in areas I actively dislike (i.e., the subject matter of my day job) but it's also a problem with things I love, like my writing.

I almost never finish projects (I've got literally 18 started right now), which is why it was such a big deal for me to finish my first novel. It was awful but finished! I almost never make deadlines - I've been working on a pilot for over two years. It's a great idea but I just can't seem to execute the concept.

So it is especially stupid that - during a week where I set a specific writing goal for myself - I also offered to edit someone else's essay. Now I've got that pressure hanging over my head. I hate editing my own work, let alone someone else's.

I was so excited to be feeling part of this online writing community that I acted impulsively. So now it is 1 AM and I am going to try to stay up and finish her essay tonight so that tomorrow it can be all about me.

Of course, I'm sure I'll find something else to distract me tomorrow.