Deadline's here!

I am entering a short story contest for new writers. The deadline is tomorrow and I still haven't received editing feedback from either of the friends I gave it to. I have no one else to go over it with so I'm going to do my final edits today alone and then submit it later tonight or tomorrow.

I like the story. I've been working on it all week and I really do like it. Even if my friends don't. I know it can be better - and it's not great literature to be sure - but I'm still happy with it. 

Is it delusional to think I could actually do well in the contest?

I've also written another much shorter piece that I'm considering entering. I only wrote it a few days ago, and I wasn't writing it with the contest in mind, but I think I'd like to enter it anyway. 

I wish I could post them both here - and maybe I should just do it - but that concerns me because, one, I don't want anyone to figure out who I am, and two, I'm afraid that someone could steal them. 

Ridiculous isn't it? I vacillate between thinking I'm a complete failure and thinking that someone would want to actually steal my ideas/work.

I'm going to enter this contest even if I don't think the stories are quite finished. I have to push myself into the next stage of this process.

Daniel Danger - a new favorite of mine

I found out about this artist, Daniel Danger, through one of my most favorite things, PostSecret.

He is incredibly talented!







 Title: september

Title: Three panels -
1) We were fortunate,
2) there were no cameras, no helicopters, no sirens for our return,
3) so with a quiet kiss and a single step we had given ourselves to this place

Title:  please dont worry, when i wake up ill be something new

Where did I go... for FIVE months?!?!

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. This is what I was afraid of. My flakiness.

To be fair to myself I have been working hard on my writing - very hard actually - and finished...
................................... the first draft of my novel,
................................................... a short story,
.................................................................half a screenplay,
..............................................................................a TV series treatment and
..................................................................................................a detailed outline of another novel...

I'm very proud of myself!

I'm back at work part-time and the transition out of the house was a little difficult but I've managed to keep writing a considerable amount of time each week. Whenever I think about my projects I can feel the excitement build in my chest. I feel extremely confident that I will actually be able to become a "real" writer and quit my day job.

That being said I am still also plagued with fear. I am about to enter my short story into a contest for new writers and I gave it to a couple of my friends to edit. One of them read it and liked it (I think) but she didn't read it with an eye towards revisions.

The other friend read the first two pages and hasn't been able to finish it. She's had it for two weeks. Now she does have a three month old baby at home with her so I realize that she is busy but the story's only 15 pages long I can't believe she can't find the time to read that. Plus she hasn't said anything positive about the first two pages. And I also can't help but think that maybe the reason she couldn't force herself to finish is that she found the first two pages awful.

I re-read my old posts and am a little disheartened that after all these months I am just as insecure about my talent and/or ability as before.

But at least I didn't stop writing...

out of sight - out of mind

I am not happy that I have started to abandon this blog. That's what I always do and this was supposed to be the vehicle to help me change my patterns.

I've only even remembered the blog a couple of times. I haven't had it up in it's own window and so I totally forgot about it. I forget about everything that I can't see.

I have been writing. A lot. But this week started to be bad. For the last week I've had absolutely no interest in the novel I'm supposed to be focusing on. I think it sucks. I hate it and I want to work on something else. I always abandon projects like this and apparently a lot of writers struggle with this - so I am really, really trying to force myself to follow my outline and finish the first draft.

But last night I had an idea for another story so I spent a few hours outlining it instead of working on the novel. So now I have 4 novels, 3 screenplays and 1 TV drama that are waiting for my attention. And I have the hardest time keeping my mind from fleeting back and forth between them.

I wish I could go somewhere to write but even after my son leaves for the summer my stupid cats can't be left alone for more than 1 night.

Even though I'm disgusted with my writing this week I still feel incredibly motivated because I really think this is my chance to switch careers. If I don't do it now I will get trapped again.

Is the blog going to be something else I quit...?

I haven't posted or even thought about, this blog for weeks. Partly I think it's because I'm writing so much everyday on my novel and tracking other story ideas that the thought of having to write anything else is overwhelming.

But part of it is, of course, that I always do this; start something with enthusiasm and lose commitment within a short period of time until I abandon it completely.

I am trying very hard to avoid that pattern with my daily writing. It's not easy - and I'm not meeting my goal of 3,000 words per day - but so far I haven't given up on it.

My biggest problem lately has been fighting the feeling that my writing is shit. I have a huge problem moving my ideas from my head to the paper without sounding moronic. I am trying to tell myself to just get through the first draft and then I can go back and address the areas I'm concerned about.

I am trying not to feel like a delusional hack pursuing an unrealistic and unattainable goal. I'm not exactly succeeding but I am still writing.

There's hope for me!

I showed my friend one of my short stories and she loved it!!

I was feeling fairly incompetent this week - like everything that I wrote sounded infantile and boring.

But she stopped reading after the first paragraph to e-mail me how much she loved the beginning and then later she told me that she didn't know what I had been worried about because I was a great writer.

I am so excited! I think I may actual be able to become a writer!!

Writing is hard. I am so frustrated!!

I am completely stuck with my writing. At first I was free writing random pieces of things - whatever popped into my head. A chapter here, an outline there, some interesting dialogue... all disconnected items that I figured I would find a way to connect later.

But then I decided that I should start entering writing contests. You know, make this real, "respectable." Not just me writing for fun while I'm unemployed but actually making a career out of it. I selected two short story contests. One 2,000 words and the other 12,000 words. Both due at the end of May.

So that imposed restraints in terms of structure and time frame and all of a sudden I feel frozen. I've been forcing myself to write since Friday and I have generated some stuff and some new ideas but I don't really like what I've done.

I feel pressure now and I the tension in my chest is starting to get stronger. What happened to the great time I was having??

I'm afraid to show my drafts to anyone because I know they suck. What if I can't do this? What if the only reason I've been considered a "good writer" to date is because people have only seen bits and pieces that were OK causing them to assume that if I could write those kinds of things well then I must be a good writer?!

That would be the same thing that has happened in other facets of my life. People think I'm smart when they deal with me in small doses because I come off well but once they have to work with me substantively they see that I'm really not.

I feel like throwing my laptop against the wall and crying.

Before I completely lose it I am going to try to bring myself back by going through the notebooks I have used for observations, story ideas, feelings. I'm hoping they will help me feel motivated and interested again.

I don't want to fail at this.