Writing is hard. I am so frustrated!!

I am completely stuck with my writing. At first I was free writing random pieces of things - whatever popped into my head. A chapter here, an outline there, some interesting dialogue... all disconnected items that I figured I would find a way to connect later.

But then I decided that I should start entering writing contests. You know, make this real, "respectable." Not just me writing for fun while I'm unemployed but actually making a career out of it. I selected two short story contests. One 2,000 words and the other 12,000 words. Both due at the end of May.

So that imposed restraints in terms of structure and time frame and all of a sudden I feel frozen. I've been forcing myself to write since Friday and I have generated some stuff and some new ideas but I don't really like what I've done.

I feel pressure now and I the tension in my chest is starting to get stronger. What happened to the great time I was having??

I'm afraid to show my drafts to anyone because I know they suck. What if I can't do this? What if the only reason I've been considered a "good writer" to date is because people have only seen bits and pieces that were OK causing them to assume that if I could write those kinds of things well then I must be a good writer?!

That would be the same thing that has happened in other facets of my life. People think I'm smart when they deal with me in small doses because I come off well but once they have to work with me substantively they see that I'm really not.

I feel like throwing my laptop against the wall and crying.

Before I completely lose it I am going to try to bring myself back by going through the notebooks I have used for observations, story ideas, feelings. I'm hoping they will help me feel motivated and interested again.

I don't want to fail at this.