There's hope for me!

I showed my friend one of my short stories and she loved it!!

I was feeling fairly incompetent this week - like everything that I wrote sounded infantile and boring.

But she stopped reading after the first paragraph to e-mail me how much she loved the beginning and then later she told me that she didn't know what I had been worried about because I was a great writer.

I am so excited! I think I may actual be able to become a writer!!

Writing is hard. I am so frustrated!!

I am completely stuck with my writing. At first I was free writing random pieces of things - whatever popped into my head. A chapter here, an outline there, some interesting dialogue... all disconnected items that I figured I would find a way to connect later.

But then I decided that I should start entering writing contests. You know, make this real, "respectable." Not just me writing for fun while I'm unemployed but actually making a career out of it. I selected two short story contests. One 2,000 words and the other 12,000 words. Both due at the end of May.

So that imposed restraints in terms of structure and time frame and all of a sudden I feel frozen. I've been forcing myself to write since Friday and I have generated some stuff and some new ideas but I don't really like what I've done.

I feel pressure now and I the tension in my chest is starting to get stronger. What happened to the great time I was having??

I'm afraid to show my drafts to anyone because I know they suck. What if I can't do this? What if the only reason I've been considered a "good writer" to date is because people have only seen bits and pieces that were OK causing them to assume that if I could write those kinds of things well then I must be a good writer?!

That would be the same thing that has happened in other facets of my life. People think I'm smart when they deal with me in small doses because I come off well but once they have to work with me substantively they see that I'm really not.

I feel like throwing my laptop against the wall and crying.

Before I completely lose it I am going to try to bring myself back by going through the notebooks I have used for observations, story ideas, feelings. I'm hoping they will help me feel motivated and interested again.

I don't want to fail at this.

Such a good week!

I've had an incredibly productive week! I can't believe how much reading and writing I've done. I've watched almost no TV.

I finished Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the Twilight series, and it was fantastic. I am so sorry that there are no more to read. I am excited, however, that the series continues to keep me wanting to write and actually writing. I'm not creating masterpieces over here but at least I'm writing!

And for the first time since being laid off, I actually see the possibility that I could be a writer and not have to return to the _______ field again! In a way it feels like that is beyond anything I can imagine but on the other hand there is some flavor of reality in there too.

I am so thrilled to have found Twilight and grateful that they gave me the energy to write again.

At this rate I won't be able to finish anything...

I never realized what slow a writer I am. I've been writing for 5 hours and I have 2 pages.

Now, admittedly, I was also sort of watching TV, took a couple of snack breaks and briefly helped my son with his homework but still I should have more than two pages.

When I look back at work writing I was equally as slow. It sometimes would take me an hour to write a fairly straightforward e-mail. What I've realized is that whenever I am concerned about the final product being polished and professional it slows me down to a ridiculously slow crawl.

Right now I am sitting at the dining room table. I'm hoping that sitting up properly will help me write faster than the lounging all over the sofas that I normally do.

feeling better - not mad at her anymore

I'm not as upset anymore about my friend's less than positive response to one of my story outlines. I've continued writing and yesterday I actually started sketching out another idea.

I'm exhausted right now - not enough sleep last night - but all I want to do is stay up and finish re-reading Eclipse (the third Twilight book). The series has made me feel excited and interested in writing for the first time in a long time and I'm trying to stretch them out because I'm afraid of what will happen when I finish the fourth book.

I'm off to bed. Hopefully to dream of wonderful things that will inspire my writing and my life.