My son came home from his out of town trip and within hours the little Twilight escapist bubble I had constructed around myself had burst. Parental responsibility, financial strain and adult ineptness rendered me a complete mess. Over the last couple of days I've gotten worse and worse until late yesterday when I found myself sobbing while driving and unable to sit still all night.
I don't really know what I want. At first it was hard for me to adjust to being alone but I was starting to not only adjust but really enjoy it and then I was jolted back to being a parent. This is horrible for a mother to say but I wish he had been away longer. I was just starting to feel like a person again.
I feel pretty incompetent in a lot of areas of my life but fucking up motherhood is hugely serious. If I can't give him what he needs he will grow up to be an adult with all kinds of problems. Right now I think he would be better off living with someone else. I've never really understood how someone could give up their child but now I get it. I can't take care of him the way he deserves.
But of course, I'm not sending him anywhere. I'm going to struggle through this mess like I always have - alone - probably seriously fucking him up along the way.
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