Eating doesn't make it better

I am a late night binge eater. I plan my route home based on what junk foods I want to buy. Sometimes I am aware that I am upset/anxious/disappointed and I get through the day by focusing on my late night binge. The planning, the anticipation both help distract me from whatever I am trying to escape.

Some other times, however, I am not conscious of any problem or incident. I feel a general sense of doom and planning the binge helps.

Most of the time at the moment I start eating it is pleasurable. But then I eat so much that I'm nauseous. Other times I'm not even in the mood to eat but I force myself because somehow I believe that afterwards I'll feel better. And of course I don't. I feel stuffed, sick and disgusted.

I can only binge when I am alone. I never overeat when I'm in public or with other people. When my ex and I still lived together I spent a good amount of time trying to arrange to be alone for a binge. The evenings when he played soccer with his friends were the best; it meant that I had the freedom to binge "properly." Other days when he was in the house I would try to get at one of my secret food stashes whenever I had a second alone. I would stuff the food in my mouth and gulp it down. Not very enjoyable.

Some family and I recently spent a few days out of town at my grandmother's house. Since she feels that she doesn't see me enough she basically attached herself to me. By the second day I still hadn't been able to binge because I couldn't shake my grandma. I was aware that I wanted junk food and was annoyed that my grandmother wouldn't leave my side but I didn't realize just how anxious I was getting. Next thing I know I was blowing up at everyone screaming that I needed to be alone and that they were all driving me crazy.

I feel like a drug addict in those moments. I feel uncontrollably irritable and know that nothing will calm me down and satisfy me other than a binge. I don't drink or do drugs and thank god for that because with my inability to handle stress and my susceptibility to addictions I would be a drunk junkie.

I am trying to stop binging. For the last year I've been participating in a support group run by a psychologist, nutritionist and exercise physiologist. Haven't made a lot of progress yet but I want to make this change and I am going to stick with it.

I am probably going to binge later tonight.