More time is making it harder...

The last year at my job has been unbearable. My work environment was horrible and the managers awful but really I was unhappy because I felt incompetent. I was recruited there because they thought that I was a great ____ (profession is a secret) but really I was unprepared for the job.

My performance at the company was horrendous but it was my personal behavior that was most problematic. Chronic lateness and a large number of absences. Everyday that I had to go to work felt like torment. So when layoffs in my department were announced I thought it was great! It allowed me to leave in a way that hid my poor performance. And since it happened in early 2009 I was part of the "economic downturn" and my unemployment became a sign of the times rather than a reflection of me personally.

I thought that being "free" everyday would be great. I would finish projects I had been putting off, work on a little weight loss, devote a little more time to my family, and generally just have a great time finding a new job that I could actually do well. But instead I slowly sank into hell.

At first I had a number of family responsibilities that required some structured schedule. I wasn't too productive during that time but I was still enjoying my "vacation" and felt positive that I would, in fact, accomplish items on my to do list. A month ago I became what can only be described as "semi-agoraphobic". I could only go out of my house if I was in a car. I live in NYC so cars aren't necessary. But public transportation was out for me. Walking was only ok if I had someone to walk with. It was an expensive time what with the car rentals, parking fees, cabs, tolls, etc. But I swallowed the costs since it was the only way I could leave the house.

Then I was alone in my home. My son went out of town last week and that's when I really started to sink into hell. He's have been gone 7 days so far - and won't be back for another 5 - and I have not showered or left the house since he went away. The afternoon I took him to the airport I bought food on the way home because I knew it was going to be hard for me to leave the house.

My sleep patterns have become totally crazy - I sleep almost all day and am up almost all night - and I have done exactly TWO productive things this entire time. Without any structure from work or family I have fallen into a bottomless pit. I always felt like freedom and flexibility would make me happy but in reality having more time to myself is making it harder for me to feel better.