How quickly I fall

I showed one of my best friends some of the writing I did the other day. I was so excited and I thought that she'd have some suggestions but that she would generally like it. She didn't.

She didn't tell me that she didn't like it but I know her and can read her. First, she took over 24 hours to respond when normally it takes her 10 minutes. And then she made a few constructive comments but very carefully omitted any positive statements except that she was "happy I was writing again."

Fear of what others will think is one of my biggest problems with creative writing. If I know someone is going to read it I feel inhibited. That's why I'm hoping that this blog will help. I don't think anyone is going to read this but in a way I'm still putting myself out there. Yes, without my name and so far nothing creative but baby steps.

I am going to try to push myself to work on the story today even though it was not well received.

A VERY GOOD DAY!!!!!

I spent all day today writing. I ended up going in an entirely different direction but I love the new story.

While doing some background research this evening I came across this photo. I don't know why but it makes me feel optimistic and excited.

Today I am happy to be unemployed and writing!

Why am I wasting this time???

Today is my two month anniversary of being unemployed. 60 days of relative freedom to do what I want and I have done nothing. This is the perfect time for me to work on my writing in an intensive way!

I've been telling myself for the last few years that with my busy full-time job, single parenthood and home responsibilities, the reasons I wasn't doing much writing had to do with things beyond my control. But now I'm still not writing. I think that I'm afraid of failure. I have everyone fooled right now into thinking that I have all this potential and if I don't do a good job I will lose that edge and become the person who just isn't skilled/talented/smart.

But I will probably never get the chance again to be unemployed with a valid reason. I'm receiving (tiny) unemployment income from the state and I need to use this opportunity to finish projects that have been floating in my head. I don't have to show them to anyone. WHY AM I SO AFRAID????

Eating doesn't make it better

I am a late night binge eater. I plan my route home based on what junk foods I want to buy. Sometimes I am aware that I am upset/anxious/disappointed and I get through the day by focusing on my late night binge. The planning, the anticipation both help distract me from whatever I am trying to escape.

Some other times, however, I am not conscious of any problem or incident. I feel a general sense of doom and planning the binge helps.

Most of the time at the moment I start eating it is pleasurable. But then I eat so much that I'm nauseous. Other times I'm not even in the mood to eat but I force myself because somehow I believe that afterwards I'll feel better. And of course I don't. I feel stuffed, sick and disgusted.

I can only binge when I am alone. I never overeat when I'm in public or with other people. When my ex and I still lived together I spent a good amount of time trying to arrange to be alone for a binge. The evenings when he played soccer with his friends were the best; it meant that I had the freedom to binge "properly." Other days when he was in the house I would try to get at one of my secret food stashes whenever I had a second alone. I would stuff the food in my mouth and gulp it down. Not very enjoyable.

Some family and I recently spent a few days out of town at my grandmother's house. Since she feels that she doesn't see me enough she basically attached herself to me. By the second day I still hadn't been able to binge because I couldn't shake my grandma. I was aware that I wanted junk food and was annoyed that my grandmother wouldn't leave my side but I didn't realize just how anxious I was getting. Next thing I know I was blowing up at everyone screaming that I needed to be alone and that they were all driving me crazy.

I feel like a drug addict in those moments. I feel uncontrollably irritable and know that nothing will calm me down and satisfy me other than a binge. I don't drink or do drugs and thank god for that because with my inability to handle stress and my susceptibility to addictions I would be a drunk junkie.

I am trying to stop binging. For the last year I've been participating in a support group run by a psychologist, nutritionist and exercise physiologist. Haven't made a lot of progress yet but I want to make this change and I am going to stick with it.

I am probably going to binge later tonight.

My future tattoo

I love Anais Nin. I started reading her when I was 17. I love her fiction but the diaries are my absolute favorite. I wanted to study her formally in college but never had a chance.

Over the last few years I've had a lot of trouble deciding what tattoo to get. Earlier this month it occurred to me that I didn't need it to be an image and that, in fact, words could be made into a fluid design. So I chose a very short poem by one of my favorite authors: Anais Nin.

Risk

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.


I was trying to decide on style and placement but had pretty much committed to using the poem in its entirety.

Then tonight I was looking at sample photos of women with forearm tattoos and stumbled across an article about NYC sex clubs. In it there was a description of a blog being written by a NYC middle-aged woman interested in D/s. Although I haven't yet touched on D/s in this blog my sexual interests are largely in that vein.

I followed the link expecting some "dark and moody D/s themed erotica" and maybe some good NYC specific info. And what's the first thing I see? My Anais Nin poem in the top center.

I'm sure I sound hokey but I am now completely convinced that I've chosen the right tattoo. It really does apply to every facet of my life and my struggle to evolve. Now I just have to choose the right location on my body...

P.S. I've been trying to figure where "Risk" was originally published but so far haven't had any luck. I will not print it on my body until I find it in one of her books. While the poem is all over the internet no one seems to know where to find it in print.

And then I fell apart again

My son came home from his out of town trip and within hours the little Twilight escapist bubble I had constructed around myself had burst. Parental responsibility, financial strain and adult ineptness rendered me a complete mess. Over the last couple of days I've gotten worse and worse until late yesterday when I found myself sobbing while driving and unable to sit still all night.

I don't really know what I want. At first it was hard for me to adjust to being alone but I was starting to not only adjust but really enjoy it and then I was jolted back to being a parent. This is horrible for a mother to say but I wish he had been away longer. I was just starting to feel like a person again.

I feel pretty incompetent in a lot of areas of my life but fucking up motherhood is hugely serious. If I can't give him what he needs he will grow up to be an adult with all kinds of problems. Right now I think he would be better off living with someone else. I've never really understood how someone could give up their child but now I get it. I can't take care of him the way he deserves.

But of course, I'm not sending him anywhere. I'm going to struggle through this mess like I always have - alone - probably seriously fucking him up along the way.

Twilight makes it better???

Since my post about daydreaming I've been feeling more positive, optimistic, even excited. I've even been semi-productive and social over the last couple of days. Unfortunately, I think the way I got into this groove is a little disturbing for a woman of my age.

Basically, I feel better because of the book series and movie Twilight. I'm a grown woman excited about something made for tweens??!?!?

It all started earlier this week when I stumbled across something about the movie. I had heard vaguely about it before but hadn't paid any attention. Since I generally love vampires - and the male lead in the movie looked damn good - I decided to look online to see if I could watch it for free. I was only able to see the first half for free and the picture was grainy but I was hooked and needed to finish asap. I immediately ordered the movie, soundtrack and book series online. In just 24 hours I was watching the a beautiful, clear picture on my big screen TV.

And it was just as satisfying as I had hoped. The books arrived the next day and within 24 hours I had read the first two. They were fabulous.

Initially I felt happy and on the verge of tears. I listened endless to three songs from the Twilight soundtrack and took care of some stuff in the house that I've been putting off. Practically the only time I sat on the couch was to read.

Now I don't feel on the verge of tears anymore but I feel lighter, younger. Watching the "making of" portion of the DVD got me excited again about my own film ideas and reminded me of how much I want to go to film school. So although I think that a woman my age who is that interested in Twilight is a little disturbing I am glad it has helped me feel better even if it's only temporary.

Daydreams

I spend much of my life in my head. I know it's obvious that daydreaming is an escape mechanism but I am troubled by the amount of time I spend there. I daydream the body I want, the love I want, success at work, confidence in the world.

I've told myself that all the daydreaming isn't a waste of time because it allows me to visualize my future and would help me to become the person I wanted. While, on occasion, it may have helped me to think through the different options and prepare myself, for the most part it was simply an escape.

I'm sorry to say that after over a decade of daydreaming I still don't look the way I want to look, don't act the way I want to act, don't have the love I want. I am not the person I want to be and I am not living the life I want to live. And now I've wasted more than a decade.

More time is making it harder...

The last year at my job has been unbearable. My work environment was horrible and the managers awful but really I was unhappy because I felt incompetent. I was recruited there because they thought that I was a great ____ (profession is a secret) but really I was unprepared for the job.

My performance at the company was horrendous but it was my personal behavior that was most problematic. Chronic lateness and a large number of absences. Everyday that I had to go to work felt like torment. So when layoffs in my department were announced I thought it was great! It allowed me to leave in a way that hid my poor performance. And since it happened in early 2009 I was part of the "economic downturn" and my unemployment became a sign of the times rather than a reflection of me personally.

I thought that being "free" everyday would be great. I would finish projects I had been putting off, work on a little weight loss, devote a little more time to my family, and generally just have a great time finding a new job that I could actually do well. But instead I slowly sank into hell.

At first I had a number of family responsibilities that required some structured schedule. I wasn't too productive during that time but I was still enjoying my "vacation" and felt positive that I would, in fact, accomplish items on my to do list. A month ago I became what can only be described as "semi-agoraphobic". I could only go out of my house if I was in a car. I live in NYC so cars aren't necessary. But public transportation was out for me. Walking was only ok if I had someone to walk with. It was an expensive time what with the car rentals, parking fees, cabs, tolls, etc. But I swallowed the costs since it was the only way I could leave the house.

Then I was alone in my home. My son went out of town last week and that's when I really started to sink into hell. He's have been gone 7 days so far - and won't be back for another 5 - and I have not showered or left the house since he went away. The afternoon I took him to the airport I bought food on the way home because I knew it was going to be hard for me to leave the house.

My sleep patterns have become totally crazy - I sleep almost all day and am up almost all night - and I have done exactly TWO productive things this entire time. Without any structure from work or family I have fallen into a bottomless pit. I always felt like freedom and flexibility would make me happy but in reality having more time to myself is making it harder for me to feel better.

I'm lost in my life and trapped by my life. Will this blog help?

I am sinking into a deeper and deeper depression and can't seem to find my way out. I want to do so many things but after an initial burst of enthusiasm I abandon everything. This past week has been the worst ever and I feel as though my deterioration is crossing some sort of line. I don't want to get to worse but I feel so powerless.

I love to write but rarely finish anything I start so maybe the shorter format of a blog will be a way for me to find some success. However small. I am hugely protective of my privacy so in order for me to include anything of importance everything will have to be anonymous. I don't plan to promote this or tell my friends/family about it so there is a good chance no one will read it. But I will still put it out there. And maybe the process of working on this blog will help bring me back to life.